There’s something about this whole “Arranged Marriage” I haven’t quite figured out yet. Which is why I’m faced with questions like,
“Why every red blooded conscientious TamBram on both sides of the Mississippi seems to be putting it on a heavenly pedestal and proclaiming this to be the “Holiest Union of them all”?"
“Why every time anyone talks about this “aphrodisiac”, some of my bum buddies go ballistic and start parroting his patented statement “Family’s the fulcrum of this whole thing!”?"
I’m not one of those TamBram’s. Which is why I’m still parked here in Los Angeles with other pressing matters in mind. Such as, worrying whether Kobe Bryant and my Lakers are going to repeat as NBA champions in 2010. That people, is called “Putting the P in Perspective”.
To offer a preamble, your “arranged marriages” are probably the longest surviving legalized hooking-up-a-man-and-woman-for-life service in the world. How long? Well, before this, cavemen with several pounds of body and facial hair just growled at women, peed around them or simply whacked their nearest rival in the fray before beginning to hump her on a regular basis. That long!
On today’s episode of “Thirty Minutes To B***h About This And That!”, we have with us RajMohan Reddy and Sulochana, two twentysomethings, who’ve been courting each other for a month without their parents knowledge. To show them what else is out there, we’ve come up with a one stop Q&A about our latest course offering – “Arranged Marriages 101”. Things like what they are, how they’re played yada yada yada.
Whether this will make them rethink, dump each other and go back to their parents to start swearing by horoscopes and palmistry all over OR exasperate them into saying, “Cut this s**t out! Let’s go to Thiruneermalai and get married by ourselves!”? We hope to find out after the show.
(Gowri Kalyanam music starts playing in the background)
Raj: What gets “arranged”?
(Laughs) Oh no! Its not like we’re arranging flowers around the aisle or chairs around tables. Wish it were that simple. What get arranged though are the “bride” and the “groom”. Thanks to two focus groups of families, friends and relatives who don their conservative hats for a few weeks, poring over horoscopes, astrological charts (and whatever else they can lay their hands on!). Working out permutations and combinations, to determine if Mr.X and Ms.Y will “live happily ever after”.
When all’s deemed well, contact details and photos of the boy and the girl are then exchanged. As always, the girl’s bedecked in traditional attire making her seem as if she’s modeling for a Kumaran Silks ad. The only thing missing is the darn lamp in her hand! Thankfully guys aren’t required to sport a dhoti during the photo shoot. Which is why, you’ll find them smiling awkwardly standing at Niagara Falls/Grand Canyon or next to their car.
And just so you know, during this phase (and even beyond), the groom’s parents amplify his credentials sky-high making it look as if he’s a topnotch scientist at NASA or as if he’s the next Senator in the making. While the girl’s parents swear that her daughter’s favorite hangouts are the prayer room and the kitchen.
Compared to these shenanigans, Indo-Pak border talks would seem like a settlement-over-a-cup-of-coffee affair!
Sulo: What are the rules of engagement?
“You mean interaction?” Well, in the perfect world, both families would like the boy and girl to face each other in flesh and blood only on D-Day. But since we’re in the computer age and all, the rules have been relaxed a wee bit. Which means emails and phone calls is no longer taboo.
But in most cases, the two are separated by atleast half a million miles. That right away rules out catching up after work over coffee (or beer) or hitting that new nightclub across town on Fridays. Even if by some happenstance, both are in the same area code, “Family Values” prevent them from being seen together.
(Laughs) I know what you’re thinking! No getting to any bases before nuptials!
Raj & Sulo (irritated): Who lays down these rules anyways? Do you know when they’ll be upgraded?
Definitely not me, Uncle Sam or the Indian Republic. It’s the %^&*ing elder statesmen of the society. Who else! Men (and women) who seem to control everything from politics, foreign policy, selecting the Indian cricket team. Not to mention, the married lives of Gen Y.
Their family values rulebook was last updated in 2003 to include web meetings as possible methods of communication between the boy and the girl. Truth be told, these wisemen had to be extensively convinced that web meetings were entirely harmless. And that the guy talking to his lady love through a chat session, couldn’t pop out of the monitor and start kissing her!
Considering that satellite communication is still under development and time travel is still a fantasy, these rules figure to be written in stone for a long time to come.
Raj & Sulo (earnestly): Do we get to contribute in this marriage process?
Absolutely not. I mean, don’t even harbor a stray thought! The parents’s 500 page playbook articulates every step in this process according to customs and traditions, atleast 100 years old. The game’s “head coaches” lord over every minute detail leaving no room for negotiation. Which means, like it or not, there’s enough clothes and jewelry exchanged, sufficient to swallow the debt of an African country. And almost half the town gets invited to the wedding, even though more than three-fourths of them wouldn’t care a damn if you broke up the next day.
But even if you’re asked your opinion on trivial things like “What sweets would you like on the menu?” or “What color shirts do you prefer?”, don’t be surprised if they’re overturned at the last minute.
“Namma athu vazhakkam athu illa ma”, they’d cheerfully reply back. Whatever the $%^& that means!
Raj & Sulo (sighing deeply): Hopefully all of this is fun, right?
(Raising eyebrows and smirking) Depends on what you’re idea of fun is. Ladies, if you like draping yourself in yards of cloth and wearing half a pound of flowers and jewelry, go for it. Guys, if sitting around a fire pit half naked, your paunch and body hair in full public display gives you the kicks, snatch this opportunity!
Oh wait! There’s more fun to come. After the nuptials, the elders organize “fun” games like “Grab the ring” (bride and groom search for a gold ring in an empty vessel) and “Swing Sashay” (both sway slowly on a decorated swing and pretend to laugh heartily at jokes told by old women).
But hey! You never know. These elders keep proclaiming how “modern” they’re. So maybe in a few years, instead of empty vessels and swings, they might organize a game of touch football between both sides, with the winner taking it all.
Thiruneermalai doesn’t look that bad at all now, does it?
(Loud crashing noise in the background. People screaming and glass breaking…)
(Unfortunately due to technical equipment breakdown and the host getting thrashed, we’ll never know what happened to Rajmohan Reddy and Sulochana. Meanwhile, the host following his talk show fiasco has blissfully switched back to his bachelorhood existence religiously following the ups-and-downs of his basketball team, the Los Angeles Lakers. Did I also mention his only chance of a status change is probably through TamilMatrimony. “Arranged” with the auspices of his dad, of course.)
“Why every red blooded conscientious TamBram on both sides of the Mississippi seems to be putting it on a heavenly pedestal and proclaiming this to be the “Holiest Union of them all”?"
“Why every time anyone talks about this “aphrodisiac”, some of my bum buddies go ballistic and start parroting his patented statement “Family’s the fulcrum of this whole thing!”?"
I’m not one of those TamBram’s. Which is why I’m still parked here in Los Angeles with other pressing matters in mind. Such as, worrying whether Kobe Bryant and my Lakers are going to repeat as NBA champions in 2010. That people, is called “Putting the P in Perspective”.
To offer a preamble, your “arranged marriages” are probably the longest surviving legalized hooking-up-a-man-and-woman-for-life service in the world. How long? Well, before this, cavemen with several pounds of body and facial hair just growled at women, peed around them or simply whacked their nearest rival in the fray before beginning to hump her on a regular basis. That long!
On today’s episode of “Thirty Minutes To B***h About This And That!”, we have with us RajMohan Reddy and Sulochana, two twentysomethings, who’ve been courting each other for a month without their parents knowledge. To show them what else is out there, we’ve come up with a one stop Q&A about our latest course offering – “Arranged Marriages 101”. Things like what they are, how they’re played yada yada yada.
Whether this will make them rethink, dump each other and go back to their parents to start swearing by horoscopes and palmistry all over OR exasperate them into saying, “Cut this s**t out! Let’s go to Thiruneermalai and get married by ourselves!”? We hope to find out after the show.
(Gowri Kalyanam music starts playing in the background)
Raj: What gets “arranged”?
(Laughs) Oh no! Its not like we’re arranging flowers around the aisle or chairs around tables. Wish it were that simple. What get arranged though are the “bride” and the “groom”. Thanks to two focus groups of families, friends and relatives who don their conservative hats for a few weeks, poring over horoscopes, astrological charts (and whatever else they can lay their hands on!). Working out permutations and combinations, to determine if Mr.X and Ms.Y will “live happily ever after”.
When all’s deemed well, contact details and photos of the boy and the girl are then exchanged. As always, the girl’s bedecked in traditional attire making her seem as if she’s modeling for a Kumaran Silks ad. The only thing missing is the darn lamp in her hand! Thankfully guys aren’t required to sport a dhoti during the photo shoot. Which is why, you’ll find them smiling awkwardly standing at Niagara Falls/Grand Canyon or next to their car.
And just so you know, during this phase (and even beyond), the groom’s parents amplify his credentials sky-high making it look as if he’s a topnotch scientist at NASA or as if he’s the next Senator in the making. While the girl’s parents swear that her daughter’s favorite hangouts are the prayer room and the kitchen.
Compared to these shenanigans, Indo-Pak border talks would seem like a settlement-over-a-cup-of-coffee affair!
Sulo: What are the rules of engagement?
“You mean interaction?” Well, in the perfect world, both families would like the boy and girl to face each other in flesh and blood only on D-Day. But since we’re in the computer age and all, the rules have been relaxed a wee bit. Which means emails and phone calls is no longer taboo.
But in most cases, the two are separated by atleast half a million miles. That right away rules out catching up after work over coffee (or beer) or hitting that new nightclub across town on Fridays. Even if by some happenstance, both are in the same area code, “Family Values” prevent them from being seen together.
(Laughs) I know what you’re thinking! No getting to any bases before nuptials!
Raj & Sulo (irritated): Who lays down these rules anyways? Do you know when they’ll be upgraded?
Definitely not me, Uncle Sam or the Indian Republic. It’s the %^&*ing elder statesmen of the society. Who else! Men (and women) who seem to control everything from politics, foreign policy, selecting the Indian cricket team. Not to mention, the married lives of Gen Y.
Their family values rulebook was last updated in 2003 to include web meetings as possible methods of communication between the boy and the girl. Truth be told, these wisemen had to be extensively convinced that web meetings were entirely harmless. And that the guy talking to his lady love through a chat session, couldn’t pop out of the monitor and start kissing her!
Considering that satellite communication is still under development and time travel is still a fantasy, these rules figure to be written in stone for a long time to come.
Raj & Sulo (earnestly): Do we get to contribute in this marriage process?
Absolutely not. I mean, don’t even harbor a stray thought! The parents’s 500 page playbook articulates every step in this process according to customs and traditions, atleast 100 years old. The game’s “head coaches” lord over every minute detail leaving no room for negotiation. Which means, like it or not, there’s enough clothes and jewelry exchanged, sufficient to swallow the debt of an African country. And almost half the town gets invited to the wedding, even though more than three-fourths of them wouldn’t care a damn if you broke up the next day.
But even if you’re asked your opinion on trivial things like “What sweets would you like on the menu?” or “What color shirts do you prefer?”, don’t be surprised if they’re overturned at the last minute.
“Namma athu vazhakkam athu illa ma”, they’d cheerfully reply back. Whatever the $%^& that means!
Raj & Sulo (sighing deeply): Hopefully all of this is fun, right?
(Raising eyebrows and smirking) Depends on what you’re idea of fun is. Ladies, if you like draping yourself in yards of cloth and wearing half a pound of flowers and jewelry, go for it. Guys, if sitting around a fire pit half naked, your paunch and body hair in full public display gives you the kicks, snatch this opportunity!
Oh wait! There’s more fun to come. After the nuptials, the elders organize “fun” games like “Grab the ring” (bride and groom search for a gold ring in an empty vessel) and “Swing Sashay” (both sway slowly on a decorated swing and pretend to laugh heartily at jokes told by old women).
But hey! You never know. These elders keep proclaiming how “modern” they’re. So maybe in a few years, instead of empty vessels and swings, they might organize a game of touch football between both sides, with the winner taking it all.
Thiruneermalai doesn’t look that bad at all now, does it?
(Loud crashing noise in the background. People screaming and glass breaking…)
(Unfortunately due to technical equipment breakdown and the host getting thrashed, we’ll never know what happened to Rajmohan Reddy and Sulochana. Meanwhile, the host following his talk show fiasco has blissfully switched back to his bachelorhood existence religiously following the ups-and-downs of his basketball team, the Los Angeles Lakers. Did I also mention his only chance of a status change is probably through TamilMatrimony. “Arranged” with the auspices of his dad, of course.)
So much for spewing venom about arranged marriages! Pfft!
dei KJ...you keep writing like this...go to India this time and i am pretty sure that you will also have a status change...and yes of course it will be the auspices of your dad{could be mom or uncle too}
ReplyDeleteUhmm...Dont you think its time for a new post?
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